Dear Self,
It has been twelve years now since we last spoke here. However, I want to be firm right out of the gate: THE BATTLE IS OVER! The last time we were writing, it was about reframing survivorship and victimology into a champion mindset. So exactly what is different now, after all this time? Why are we here? What brought us together again? I'm glad you asked.
Eighteen months ago, the reality of a life-altering surgery was at the forefront of our mind. The pure idea of it was so terrifying that our blood pressure spiked, blood sugars went out of control, and the weight skyrocketed. The mere notion of once again having surgery was overwhelming. The surgery was necessary just to "survive" the day, but surviving is not what we are about, right? We are champions. How did we get here? Well, everything in life comes in seasons, or so wisdom has taught me. And wisdom, my dear, sweet self, only comes through experience.
Long after the battle was over, I found myself still wearing that same heavy battle armor. Afraid to put it down and finally be "free." Asking myself, "Can this really be true? Is it really over?" Yes, it is. But here's the tricky part we did not know. There still exists a little inner person called the primal brain. The one whose job it is to keep us safe. The one who is always scanning, always alerting to danger, or potential dangers—whether those threats were real or just perceived. You see, Self, we entered a whole new season of life: the season of nervous system regulation and somatic rewiring.
Unbeknownst to us, there was a hidden issue lying underneath the journey through the battlefield of the past. While the surgery was a so-called simple "Total Knee Replacement," to us it was the culmination of all the trauma and pain of the past. The immense physical pain that we had been enduring over the years came to a screeching halt, and the time had come to face reality. What looked to us like thriving and championing our way out of a horrific past was actually a survival loop. That is not to say we did not have moments of thriving, or that we were hypocritical in those days. Not at all. We actually did and said things correctly. But this knee surgery brought a whole new season of healing into the present. A much-needed one, I might add.
Somatic rewiring, the vagus nerve, and vagal toning are not new concepts to us. We were already doing that with the horses. That is the trauma recovery work we do! So why did it hit so hard when we were so rudely thrust into it ourselves? Well, it all comes down to how the nervous system processes fight-or-flight and basic trauma responses—especially those that have been so ingrained for such a long time, like ours. While the battle was over, our system had not really had the opportunity to realize it was behind us. Everything was still very chaotic, even if it was a good kind of chaotic.
Then came the period of immense grief and loss. Once the pieces of armor started to come off, the desire to pick them back up was almost too great. But the weight was just too much, and the body finally said, "ENOUGH!"
So, Dear Self, here we are. Fast forward to eighteen months post-surgery, finding ourselves more regulated than ever, but still perplexed by the awkwardness of it all. For the first time in so many years of merely existing on this planet, not really knowing how much pain we truly were in, we are finally saying, "It's Over!" The battle has been won, the armor comes off, and we now get to find our peace one "pain-free" step at a time. At whatever pace we choose.
This, dear sweet Annie, is what nervous system rewiring and regulation look like. Finding pockets of peace however and wherever you choose them to be. Seasons come, and seasons go. But we are now on the journey toward peace... and we are doing this together. Only we can choose to take that Heroic Leap forward, and only we can choose to put a Divine Shield around us. Nobody can do that for us.
And we are reminded every day, as believers of faith in Jesus Christ, that He is here for us:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28–30 NIV)
So fear not, and rest in this time of renewal. Dear Self, I Love You, and this is WHY!
Annie :)